• a variety of fine pickles •

...has MOVED to http://redhotjezebel.typepad.com/


Star Wars on a Banjo



after complaining about blogger for months, i have moved my blog here.

my blog is now on typepad.com. please visit & leave me a comment on a site that will actually allow them through! i love comments. they make me hap-hap-happy.

i have disabled comments on this blog. they weren't working anyway.

please dew drop inn - http://redhotjezebel.typepad.com/

same pickles, new geography.

i'll probably leave this blog site up for about a week, then it's adios, blogspot!

words i hate


it all started when my friend sara used the word "belly" in her blog. i commented to her that it reminded me of a particular incident that occurred when we were in high school. commenting started me a'thinkin', and that led to the belly blog entry, which in turn elicited a comment from my friend matt, explaining to me that he LOVES the word belly, but does hate the words "tarmac" and "credenza".
i found this to be a stroke of kismet, as thursday after the belly blog entry, i started compiling a list of words i hate for various reasons. here they are:
flesh - it just bothers me.
slice - only in certain context, for instance when paired with flesh.
ooey gooey - for some reason, hearing someone else say this embarrasses me and makes me feel sorry for them.
jazzy - i always hear this spoken by somefat woman from michigan with a bad hairdo.
pizzazzy - same as above. also true that jazzy and pizzazzy cause me to feel himiliation for the person speaking them.
ooze - gross.
mash - when used as a verb. i prefer smash to mash any day.
kernel - GROSS!

masculinity - can't say it. masculinninny.
compote - doesn't sound as if it ought to be something edible.
loaf - i use it, but i don't like it. starbucks' pumpkin loaf is one of my favorite things in all of the world, but i feel a distinctive tinge of discomfort when having to order it.
maggot - makes my skin crawl just saying it. or hearing it. or reading it.
slacks - it's trousers.
oleo - just say margarine.
algae - reminds me of snot.
phlegm - speaking of snot... what an unattractive word.
moist - unless referring to cake or chicken, i make a point to steer clear of the word moist.

what are some of the words you hate?

congratulations mr & mrs primeaux


i hate that word "belly"


my friend sara wrote a blog entry yesterday and included the word "belly" in her narrative; i had to comment to her to remind her of why i have always hated that word.

when we were probably about 16 & 17 respectively, sara & i were driving around our home town of bedford, texas, probably listening to def leppard, smoking, singing at the tops of our lungs, and laughing hysterically at nothing in particular. we came to a stop sign that looked something like this crude recreation, fashioned specifically for this cyber-reenactment:

we were stopped at the stop sign a little longer than we would normally stop, when all at once, apropos of nothing, sara and i both said in unison "i hate that word 'belly'".

i can't impress enough that it was in complete unison. exactly. we both agreed through tears of laughter ("i'm cryin'! look! i'm cryin'!) that this had to be the first time in the history of the world that anybody had ever uttered the phrase "i hate that word 'belly'", and the mere fact that we had said it at exactly the same time had to mean something. what, exactly, remains to be revealed. but that was pretty damned impressive. it became the phrase we would say whenever we coincidently uttered any phrase at the same time, even if it was only one word. it was one of hundreds of our inside jokes. sara & i were famous for our inside jokes and if i recall correctly, we rarely let anyone else in on them unless they were really special.

it wasn't the first time that had happened; some random phrase spoken at exactly the same time, in exactly the same inflection, with emphasis placed on the same parts of the same words, etc... i think the first time it happened was at my house when we were a year or two younger. my mom & dad were having a bible study in the living room with several members of our church, and sara and i were hanging out in my parents' bedroom watching television like sinners (it was the cosby show, so it wasn't all that sinful) and one of us was telling a story. for some reason, again, seeminly apropos of nothing, we both said "...like a hot knife through butter!"

it took a couple of seconds to realize we'd both just said exactly the same thing, exactly the same way, and after the shock wore off, we laughed until we were sore. up until the "belly" incident, "like a hot knife through butter!" had been our insider phrase, but even after it was replaced, it still held a special place in & amongst the inside jokes for which sara & i were so celebrated. maybe "celebrated" is the wrong word... "ridiculed" might be more appropriate.

nah. they were all jealous of our inside jokes.

all this reminiscing i've been doing whilst taking a stroll down belly lane got me digging through my highschool scrap book, where i came across several hysterical photographs from highschool, including this one, taken at bedford boy's ranch at the going-away party we threw for our friend dusty:

(i have tried, unsuccessfully, at least 10 times to upload the damn picture, and it won't. use your imagination.)

that's dave lane on the left in the swing, craig jenest, also in a swing and wearing his big gay les mis t-shirt, sara standing behind him, me sitting in the swing, and who knows what the hell i'm wearing, but i know i'm wearing those chinese shoes that were five bucks at the shoe repair shop in hurst, and dusty standing to the far right with his back to the camera. it was his going-away party. man, that was fun. we had a butt-load of fun every time we went to bedford boy's ranch, even the time sara and i got chased by geese, and i got bit on the ass by a particularly mean gander.

i can't believe that was something like 17 years ago.

even though i might use it from time to time, i still hate that word "belly".

it goes through me like a hot knife through butter.

a long night's day


i got home from work at about 3:45 pm today after my second day on the new job - my trainer threw me right out of the fat and into the fire today, but i did pretty well. she was sitting with me the whole time so there was really nothing at all to worry about, but somehow i found something to worry about. i do that. but it wasn't so bad at all, actually very exciting. still have a long way to go before i'm cut loose and on my own, but i'll get there, no worries.

when i came home today, i did my normal stuff with the dogs, got online, answered email, ate a very early light supper, then at 6pm, i laid down on my bed to vegetate for a little while. i got a little sleepy and decided a quick nap was in order, and wouldn't hurt anything.

i woke up at 12:56am.

that's not a nap, melissa. for me, that's a night's sleep. come on, seriously? that's nearly seven hours. so now it's 1:36am, and i am WIDE AWAKE and not the slightest bit sleepy. can't imagine why.

i have to get up at 5am - that's like, in a few minutes or something.

sure, i'll be heading to starbucks this morning before work, like i do every workday of my life. but no quad espresso for me. i'm getting a six-shooter. i'm gonna need it.

vpn, sleepy & crackhead hookers


what a day...
i had my first day on the new job today! it went well; as well as any first day on the new job cab be. i mean, i'm in the training phase, so i didn't exactly get a lot accomplished other than learning, but everybody was so nice and friendly and hospitible. really nice people in public safety.
got my work laptop today as well; brought it home tonight to vpn into the network at my office, but was frustratingly unable to do so... for some reason i wasn't able to make a connection to my wireless network. that'll stop you every time.
my new work schedule for the next few weeks is 7am - 3:30pm, and as excited as i was last night about my first day on my new job, i couldn't fall asleep last night... like a kid the night before christmas. I'M 35! needless to say, i'm pretty exhausted tonight and am about to go to bed.
this afternoon when i got off work though, i wanted to be able to take advantage of the available daylight since i am getting off work so much earlier than on my old schedule, so i toodled around town with my camera in tow, looking for inspiration.
i had always wanted to photograph the abandoned car wash located a few blocks from my neighborhood, in a little bit seedier part of town, so i drove to the carwash, parked and walked around snapping photos.

the wiles of the devil

brokelmeyer & bracken


pretty sure the old abandoned carwash is now an operational crackhouse or shooting gallery of some sort, as i was greeted about 5 minutes after i took this photo by a very rough looking working woman and her gentleman friend, both seemlingly LOADED on something. they were both moving a little as if they were in slow motion, and the man said to me "hey, that's a nice camera! lemme see that camera!" and came walking towards me. that's when i took off running to my car.
by the time i was safely in my car with the engine running, they were no where near me. i think they took SLOW POKE drugs. they were definitely walking my direction, and i was the only other visible person there (no telling if there were more people inside the carwash or not), but i made my safe getaway and drove my happy ass back to the safety of my house.
i don't enjoy being chased by crackheads and hookers on a tuesday afternoon.
more photos from today's adventure on the daily photo.

jewish penicillin & deliverance


first, for matt: i got nuthin' but this for you!
as of today, i have officially been sick for TEN days.
as of today, i have officially been in my house for THREE days.
i am officially sick to death of theraflu, nyquil, dayquil, vick's vaporub, halls lozenges and kleenex tissues with aloe. damn kleenexes are making my nose break out.
today i went hardcore. today, i made homemade chicken soup.
let me assure you: this stuff kicks ass.
i'm actually feeling better. penicillin, indeed.
i can cross #2 off of my melista now; last night at about 11pm, "deliverance" was on cable. i watched it from opening credits to ending credits, barely able to pry my eyeballs off of the screen, what with all those hillbillies. those are some scary-ass crackers. and that weird kid who played dueling banjos with ronnie cox? DIOS MIO.
i did a little IMDb research on that banjo-playing freak from deliverance and found out his name is billy redden, and he is now a cook & dishwasher at a cafe in georgia. IMDb had this to say about billy redden:
"At the age of 16 this boy from Rabun County, Georgia, was the only "authentic" local to play the role of The Banjo Boy in John Boorman's disturbing hit movie Deliverance (1972). He was hand-picked from his local elementary school largely due to his "look" (his large head, skinny body, odd-shaped eyes and moronic grin had sadly branded him a poster-child for inbreeding and mental deficiency)."

man, i am still creeped out by that kid, not to mention that even though i previously "got the joke" about squealing like a pig without having seen the movie, now that i have seen it i not only get it, i want to get rid of it.
ned beatty in size-jumbo not-so-tighty-not-so-whiteys... burned into my frontal lobe.
i kept wanting to brush my teeth watching that movie. the choppers on those hillbillies... wow.
i'm making plans to NEVER visit appalacia.

I START MY NEW JOB TOMORROW! i am so excited i'm gonna wet my pants! i'm gonna go brush my teeth. again.

the melista - 101 things about me


UPDATED 5.29.06 - see #2, then see the bottom of this list. i'm a moron. or a hillbilly.
i have cabin fever. i've been inside for the last two days with whatever this crap is that's going around, and have regressed into my previously in-check OCD behavior including list making. grocery lists. to-do lists. already-done lists. lists of lists i need to make. and now, the melissa list, or "the melista", as i like to call it, because i'm wacked-out on cold medicine.
get in, sit down, shut up and hang on.

1. i have an abnormal, completely irrational, paralyzing fear of clowns. seriously.
2. i never seen "deliverance". - saw it, 5.29.06
2. i collect whimsical teapots and bottlecaps.
3. when I was in 2nd grade, i met theodore seuss geisel, dr. suess.
4. i am the only italian in my family.

5. seeing people trip and/or fall makes me laugh till I pee.
6. i accidently dyed my hair black once, and it was iridescent like a crow.
7. i can play the accordion. well.
8. i “went” to college for 2 semesters, but really I would drive there and take naps in my car.
9. the worst nightmare I ever had involved charles manson, a 4-foot bag of cheetos and a japanese katana.
10. i have only had one cavity my whole life, but;
11. my upper two front teeth are bonded together, and one day the bonding is going to fall off. probably in an embarrassing yet comical scenario.
12. i have been offered every job I’ve ever interviewed for except one; i re-interviewed and got it, and i start on tuesday!
13. i once met johnny depp at barney’s beanery in hollywood, and he told me i had “a great set of lips”.
14. whenever i dream that i’m married, i’m always married to john corbett. that is VERY okay with me.
15. i have always wanted to switch to mac OS but am too intimidated.
16. i have had surgery 12 times.
17. i swallowed a straight pin when I was 2 ½ years old. My mom “waited” for it, and it’s now in my baby book. gross.
18. i am a three stooges afficianado. really.
19. i once waxed one of my eyebrows completely off in what I now refer to as “the waxident”
20. if I could look like any celebrity, I’d want to look like lili taylor.

21. i am completely, desperately addicted to afrin nasal spray since i was 15 years old.
22. my favorite drink has always been icewater.
23. i can recite every word of dialogue from young frankenstein, fletch, raising arizona, steel magnolias & grease.
24. no matter how hard i try, i can NOT learn to play the guitar.
25. if i don’t have a starbucks quad espresso before 10am, i have a headache all day long, and i complain about it ALL DAY LONG.
26. i have never been married. thank God. if i had been married, i'd be divorced.
27. i have an unnatural obsession with dried herbs, and have more than 200 in my apothecary.
28. i’ve always wanted a monkey because my mother and father had one before i was born. his name was algernon. and yes, he flung poo.
29. i dance worse than chandler bing.
30. i’m a big fan of barry manilow. yeah, i said it.
31. i don’t have a passport.
32. i’m not a big fan of alcohol and imbibe extremely infrequently.
33. when I have food cravings, it’s usually either sashimi, cinnamon rolls or spinach.
34. i am a sympathetic vomiter.
35. i’ve always wanted to win a grammy.
36. i am the trivial pursuit goddess, all editions except sports.
37. i abhor anything sports related.
38. i’ve never been a blonde.
39. my favorite bandnames are adios pantalones and vanilla trainwreck.
40. I know all the words to the bonanza themesong.
41. my favorite holiday has always been halloween.
42. alice in wonderland has terrified me for as long as i can remember. like clowns.
43. i will not eat an onion unless it’s cooked to mush. even then, i have reservations.
44. i have five tattoos, and i’m pretty sure i’m done.
45. i once accidentally super glued my right hand to the side of my car and was stuck that way at a gas station for 3 hours. that was a proud day in my life.
46. i see dead people. i was once interviewed on a news special when a news crew investigated the haunted house i was living in. the caption read: “melissa mcgee: senses spirits”.
47. i once caught someone breaking into a car at 4am. he tried to run away, turned his ankle on a rock and fell into a creek where he landed on a fallen tree and broke his leg. punk.
48. i’ve been stabbed.
49. julia roberts nauseates me and i'd kind of like to punch her in the throat.
50. i’ve been saying martha stewart was shady for years.
51. if i had been a boy, my name would have been jason, named after jason and the argonauts.
52. i was born with naturally auburn hair, the least common shade of red hair.
53. i was also born with brown eyes, an extremely rare eye color for a red head. see #80.
54. i have two extra bones in both of my feet.

55. al lewis, who played grandpa munster, once sang happy birthday to me
56. my father is a direct descendant of mary, queen of scots. i guess that means i am, too.
57. i was banned for life from the dallas zoo because i accidently killed a mccaw when i was 4 years old.
58. i will eat any variety of sushi or sashimi except urchin, because it’s the texture of phlegm.
59. i was good friends in high school with two of the voiceover artists for yugioh.
60. i once killed a spider on a pizza delivery man’s face by slapping him. he wasn’t as appreciative as i thought he would be.
61. the sound effects in the movie “twister” hit too close to home, and i broke out in hives watching it in the movie theatre when it first came out.
62. i was once a witness for the prosecution in a murder trial in dallas.
63. i drive the speed limit.
64. i am always too hot, never too cold. i hate being hot.
65. i have never visited nor had the inclination to visit a tropical locale.
66. i want to go to sardegna on my honeymoon if i ever get married.
67. many years ago i called in sick from work to stay home and watch a golden girls marathon on lifetime. it was worth it.
68. i got my finger caught in a theatre seat’s reclining mechanism and tore it open, and left the theatre with blood spurting from my finger. the movie? “night of the living dead”.
69. i have a blood lust for rats but i don’t want to be near them.

70. i went to summer camp with a girl whose name was cherry dick.
71. my nicknames include smelly, lissa, skeecat, swee’pea and gidge. (see # 77)
72. i had to cut all of my hair off once after a perm fused my hair together so badly it looked like dredlocks. at the time, my hair was down to my butt.
73. i used to have a hedgehog.
74. when I was in radio, I accidentally dumped soup into the control board, knocking my radio station off of the air for 4 days while the replacement board was delivered at a cost of $29k, which was more than I made that year by several thousand dollars.
75. i had my 16th birthday party at Tom Joyner’s house in irving, texas.
76. i was righteously stalked by a creepy, obsessed mistake of an ex-boyfriend 7 years ago.
77. when I was 14, i convinced everybody at summer camp that although my name is melissa, all of my friends called me “gidge”. it worked.
78. i am the 7th generation first born; all 7 generations’ first born was a female. the legacy ended with me as my sister, the 5th born of the generation had the first baby of the new generation.
79. i am the oldest of 8 granddaughters.
80. my eyecolor changes from brown to auburn – matching my hair color perfectly – depending on what i’m wearing, but i tell people it changes with my moods. and they buy it.
81. two of my friends and one of my uncles gave their daughters the middle name kate after me.
82. i am a fairy Godmother.
83. i once drove a flaming bread truck down the highway. it was AWESOME, but it wasn’t my fault.
84. i once yelled “what’s the holdup!” in a bank drive-through before I really thought about what i was saying. the tellers didn’t find it humorous.
85. i have a somewhat obsessive fear of scorpions though i’ve never been stung.
86. when I was 5, i accidently kicked out a girl’s two front teeth in ballet class because instead of doing pliers, i was doing high kicks like a rockette. my mom was asked not to bring me back to class.
87. when i was 16, i ate two whole canisters of play-doh in under one minute, on a dare. also in less than a minute, i vomited it all back up. red and yellow play-doh barf, white carpet. dusty’s mom was maaaaaad.
88. when i was 17, i got drunk for the very first time on triple sec, grand marnier and vodka. i didn’t get drunk again for a very long while.
89. i make kickass potato soup, crème brulee, velveeta fudge and fried egg sammiches.
90. i have only eaten spam once in my life, and only then because there was trickery involved.
91. my first fight was when i was 5; i busted some 6 year old bitch upside her damn head with my little pink purse full of playground gravel.
92. i the past i have had pets named: chicken, tutu, nicky, crusty, paisley, pyewackett, peanut, massive cat, akasha, rosie, sebastian, cocoa, little pig, screwy, scooter pie, and a hamster named wildfire.
93. i was so disturbed at seeing the ending scene of “hannibal” that i barfed in the theatre.
94. at a texas rangers baseball game (see #37) i tried to blow a bubble with my gum and accidentally spit my gum into the hair of the very large, angry man sitting in front of me.
95. among a long string of bizarre injuries, i was once in the hospital for 6 days with 2 cracked vertebra, a skull fracture, a brain bleed & aphasia after tripping over my cat.
96. i have never been successful with sea monkeys, no matter how many times i’ve tried.
97. i can only drink a glass of champagne if i’ve put 2 sugar cubes in it. i understand that’s the way hookers drink it, too.
98. i once accidentally punched kyle carter in the face while learning to square dance in the 4th grade for “pioneer days” at my school. he celebrated pioneer days with a black eye. i never got any better at square dancing, and found it difficult to find a willing partner.
99. i am way more obsessed than a person should be with febreeze antimicrobial spray.
100. at 35, i have only been to california, utah, new york, new jersey, oklahoma, new mexico, mexico and canada.
101. as i mentioned, i am a compulsive, obsessive list maker.
i JUST realized, two days after i started making this list that on #2 i wrote "i never seen "deliverance". notice the conspicuous absence of the word "have". must have been the power of suggestion. apparently i transported myself to appalacia for a moment there.
it's good to be back.

the great indoors


happy sunday! happy sunday! click here for the daily photo.

my family went to dallas this morning to see my grandparents and my aunt rosie who's in town from hollywood for a week or so. i had planned to go up to dallas myself and stay through tomorrow, but with this creeping crap i've got, i'm in no condition to make the drive, and i don't want to get my family sick by breathing all over them. so crap.
i do feel a little better than i felt yesterday, but then again, yesterday, i made out my will and finished paying off my burial plot. i felt like i was shaking hands with the reaper man yesterday. so anything is an improvement.
since it doesn't look like i'm going to be getting out of my house, with the exception of possibly going to the pharmacy for some stave-off-death-for-one-more-day medicine, i decided to venture out into my backyard for some fresh air. i put on some actual clothing, temporarily discarding my uniform of the last 24 hours consisting of a thin little slip-dress of a nightie for when i have the sweats, and a huge, thick terrycloth robe for when i have the chills, and i trodded into the outdoors.
i was greeted as soon as i opened the back door by a huge hornet's nest, buzzing with construction workers wearing hardhats and of course, stingers.
for some reason, i plowed on anyway.
i found a place at the side of my house where hank & willie had clearly begun excavating, and decided that a big rock would do the trick to keep them from digging any deeper. i went to the fenceline where there just happen to be huge rocks - for some strange reason - and found the one that looked like a perfect fit, turned it over, and discovered i had disturbed a small village of what appeared to be fiddleback spiders. brown recluse spiders for those not living in texas. i'm not certain that's what they were, but i decided to err on the side of caution rather than inviting one onto my arm for closer inspection. i got the eff away from the rock and fiddleback village tut suite and decided that if hank & willie want to excavate, who am i to discourage them from learning a new trade?
i turned tail to get back in the house where there are less chances i'll develop flesh-eating necrosis from a bug bite, taking special care to scream like a harpy in my attempts to discreetly sneak by the now even larger hornet's nest. once inside, i discovered that in the less than five minutes i was outdoors, i collected approximately four thousand mosquito bites. pretty.
so much for the great outdoors. i'm staying inside today.
if i do venture out for more cold medicine, i'm definitely getting a can of raid.
or a flamethrower.

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About me

  • I'm melissa mcgee
  • From Temple, Texas, United States
  • photographer. singer. soapcrafter. herbalist. dogmom. godmother. fantastic cook. i kiss better than i cook. [all photographs on this blog copyright melissa mcgee unless otherwise noted.]
  • My profile

  • 101 things about me

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