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day of beauty, id est "feet of mass destruction"


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BONUS! grody new photo of dead rat from previous post!

in a good shoe, i wear a size 6. but an 7 feels so good, i buy a size 8. (name that movie!)
it's amazing what a little spackle'll do for a girl. every once in a while, it just feels good to get all painted up like trash. pretty = feels good. it's a fact, jack.
after long having neglected my vanity and appearance due to work, photography et al, i decided that today was the day to patch a few things up. i had an old fashioned day of beauty. a girl absolutely must take time out to pamper herself, and that i did.
i started out by taking care of business, having the oil changed and the fuel injectors cleaned in my car. i then drove myself to the first of three beauty salons where i got my hair did, my eyebrows waxed and had a nearly two hour pedicure.
two hours? you ask. yes, two hours. why two hours? you ask. well, i'll tell you.
i had a two hour pedicure because unlike normal people, i don't have feet attached to the ends of my legs; i have hooves. like a damn goat.
everybody gets a callous every now and then, that's just natural. i on the other hand don't get callouses every once in a while; i get callouses on my callouses. i can get a callous by walking to my car from the pedicurist's station. no kidding, i have the crunchiest feet in all the land. on the rare occasion that i walk barefoot on my hardwood floors, you'd swear someone was tapdancing.
i have two teeny-tiny extra bones in both of my feet, right in the ball of the foot. i'm some sort of mutant. apparently, according to the witch doctor who diagnosed me with these chernobyl bones, (he actually did use the word "mutated" at one point in the conversation) it's a "condition" that's not all that rare. one in every two million people have these crazy bones in their feet.
our last census revealed a population of 295,734,134 in the US. now, i'm no wizard, but if my calculations are correct, this mystery-bone anomaly isn't exactly rampant if you get my meaning. what a freak.
i'm referring to myself of course, and well, also that fruitcake doctor.
these little bones cause me to have extremely wide feet. like, landbarge wide. pair that with an extremely high arch, then top it off with really slendar heels, and you have yourself a first-rate shoe-shopping nightmare. it's always fun going shoe shopping. heh. i remember that time a few years ago; i went shopping for a pair of heels and i got so lucky! i found a pair of medieval torture-devices that almost fit me after only seven shoe stores! ha! what a fun day that was... good times.
seriously. when i find a good pair of shoes, i buy them. if i have to prostitute myself for the money to buy them, i'm alright with that. i'm not proud. i buy them. i have about twenty pair of shoes in my shoerack, and i wear about 3 pair of them. the others? pipe dreams. beautiful, insanely expensive pipe dreams.
the two hour pedicure today was spent mostly removing the callouses from the bottoms of my feet. they hack those things off with razor blades. it looks like they're planing a wooden plank; by the time she got done with both of my feet, i swear i could have built another whole human foot with the dna that was laying on the floor. then the scrubbing block action started. they've actually broken one of those things on my foot before from scrubbing so fervently. that's humiliating.
"how'd your pedicure go?"
"i broke the equipment."
"again?"
i am currently enjoying baby's-butt-smooth feet, and will continue to enjoy them for the remainder of the time they'll stay smooth and callous-free. i've got about twenty minutes left.


16 Responses to “day of beauty, id est "feet of mass destruction"”

  1. Anonymous Jann Formica 

    OMG...! You kill me... I'm up at 3:30 am with wide open eyes and thought I'd peek at your blog. I'm trying hard to get up off the floor after reading about your two hour pedicure! Your views on life are so right on - thanks for the laugh.

  2. Anonymous Jann Formica 

    OMG...! You kill me... I'm up at 3:30 am with wide open eyes and thought I'd peek at your blog. I'm trying hard to get up off the floor after reading about your two hour pedicure! Your views on life are so right on - thanks for the laugh.

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