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do i even WANT to get married?

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before there are any conclusions hastily jumped-to, no, i'm not getting married. that's the whole point of this post. i'm not getting married; maybe i'm never getting married.
despite the severe lack of a requisite significant other, i've been thinking a lot about getting married lately. not so much the act of getting married, but the state of being married. the older i get, the less i think that a) being married is for me and b) i'll ever get married. honestly, i don't think i'm the marrying kind.
i think there are too many things i want to do in my life to be able to rationalize being married to someone. hell, if i could marry me i wouldn't do it; that's just way too much of another person, even if it's the person i know the best in the world. i like being single. i like not having to adhere to anyone's schedule but my own. i like not having to answer to anyone but me if i leave the cap off of the toothpaste. (which, incidently, i would never do. especially my fabulous marvis toothpaste.) i like decorating the way i want to decorate and not having to humor someone's tackiness of taste for the sake of a relationship. how many relationships have suffered stress due to a horrible hand-me-down chair or a black velvet painting of dogs playing poker? thank you, no. and of course, i like standing at my kitchen sink at 3am wearing nothing but a tshirt, spoon in hand, devouring an avocado liberally sprinkled with kosher salt. yep, eating it right out of the peel. i like doing that, and i like not having to explain it or secret-it away from anybody. my friend matt understands that.
the truth is this: i am surrounded on all sides by people ending bad marriages, regretting their recent marriages and still reeling from horrible relationships that ended eons ago. that's quite a dose of reality, really. i know very few married couples who are truly happy, and who truly want to be around each other when they can. what's to say that the person i marry would want to be around me when he was able to? or, that i'd want to be around him for that matter?
i've never been married, but more importantly, i've never been divorced. i know that i would have a very hard time dealing with a divorce, only because i know myself so well. i'm certainly not begrudging anybody's relationship; maybe i should clarify that earlier when i mentioned that "i know very few married couples who are truly happy" that i actually do know a few couples who are happy. i don't mean to imply that it's my opinion that a happy marriage is a myth; my parents are a perfect example of a happy couple, and they're not the only couple i know who are truly happy being married.
is marriage really a sacred bond? is it really just a piece of paper? is it really something that should be legal to heterosexual couples only? honestly, i don't think so. marriage is love is two people is forever is blind to gender in my opinion, but that's a whole different post, and i haven't the fortitude to go into that right now. suffice it to say: if you don't think gay people should get married, don't get married to a gay person. no harm, no foul.
i am set in my ways. i'm something of a creature of habit, and seriously, i'm okay with that. if i never find "the perfect man" to share the rest of my life with, well, i'm becoming more and more okay with that, too. i was certain once that i had found the perfect man, and could NOT have been more wrong. if i had tried to be wrong, i still couldn't have been more wrong. i'm a pretty good judge of character, but that asshole somehow got right under my radar. i no longer trust my judgement when it comes to the character of a potential partner. at this point in my life, it's more important not to feel that way ever again than it is to risk it just to be married, or at the very least to be in a relationship. it's not worth it.
if he happens to come along, great. if he wants to marry me, well, maybe.
he, of course, being the real perfect man. the genuine article, if he still exists.
there's nothing that says i have to get married to him, right?

well, nothing except maybe my mother.

6 Responses to “do i even WANT to get married?”

  1. Anonymous matt 

    ok ok, let me be that annoying, queer (literally) contrarian voice who says that with the perfect partner you ain'ts ever gotta compromise about the decorating and the toothpaste cap and the bed, etc. cuz they are in sync with you about these things.

    Let's just say any man would be honored to call you his wife. That'sallI'msayin'.

  2. Anonymous melissa mcgee 

    awwwwww! matty! that was so sweet... thank you.

    honestly, i know this post came across as cynical - how could it not? but it was seriously not intended to seem jaded and cynical; i wasn't even in a jaded or cynical mood when i wrote it.

    you're so sweet. i love love love you.

  3. Anonymous matt 

    ..and I love you too. Cynic or not :)

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