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former hundred-aire : the melissa mcgee story


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this has indeed been a very freaky friday.
i woke up early - and by early, i do indeed mean stupid early - to catch up on email, finish a slide show for a photo client, purchase some badly needed software for the new laptop, and drink copious amounts of very strong coffee.

it rained all night long, and it seems a window in my car wasn't quite closed. okay, wasn't closed. the rear passenger window. the floorboards of my car were full of water, and by full of water, i mean about 2 inches. what a grody mess to clean up when you're already running late for work. how the hell do you get that much water out of your floorboards? well, you start by filling up cupful after cupful of rainwater and slinging it into the unsavory neighbor's yard. hey, they knocked a branch off of my tree; i can sling scrummy rainwater into their damn yard.
then, when you are sick and tired of bailing out your floorboards you break down and drive to the car wash, and try not to let anybody see you vacuuming the water out of your car like a ninja. you wonder if you're about to be electrocuted or if there's going to be a poster with your crudely-drawn likeness crafted with a sharpie, headlined with something like "industrial vacuum wrecker!". if it were spelled "wrekker" i would laugh and be proud it was me.
in a twist of irony, after draining lake floorboard, i dropped off my water bill payment. i derived strange satisfaction from that for some reason.
i stopped by my ATM machine for a little mad-money style cash, and drove to starbucks. when i got to work, i still had about 15 minutes to spare, so called the cable company to make an automated payment, where my DEBIT CARD WAS DECLINED. what? um, i just used it about 5 minutes ago, not to mention that i checked my balance this morning before i left the house - and unless i inadvertently purchased some swampland, i have plenty of money - i just got paid.
in another twist of irony, or maybe it's coincidence, preciesly as i was listening to the automated lady-bot tell me "YOUR CARD IS DECLINED YOU ARE A LOSER STOP CALLING US", i heard the voicemail notification beeping in my ear - so i hung up and called my voicemail, where i heard someone called mark in a state of utter confusion; he was saying "ms. mcgee? are you there? ms. mcgee?" over and over - apparently i am his first experience with voicemail. i didn't know you could still pop a voicemail cherry in 2006. then i heard where he was calling from:
"i'm calling from bank xxxxxxxx ATM card fraud department. i guess you're not there. i'm terminating the call." (card declined + credit card fraud = my irony.)
well, HELL YES i freaked out. the whole declined card thing started to make a little sense when i heard that, but it did nothing to un-freak me out. i had these visions of sitting in a halfway house drinking cooking sherry and wearing men's shoes while watching a lifetime television for women movie about my life story after somebody stole my identity and took me for everything i had. that would be hundreds. starring delta burke, of course.
i got on the horn and contacted my friendly banking customer service representative who hadn't the foggiest idea of what the hell to do with this panicked woman in a near tizzy, spouting off about credit cards, checking acounts and suzanne sugarbaker. i was transferred, probably 400 times, and then landed in the lap of a lady who asked me about 10 quick questions, for which i had all the answers (and i didn't even study!) who informed me that due to unusal activity they had frozen my card and would now be re-activating it. unusual activity? i made about 5 purchases totalling close to $150. okay, sure it was in the space of about 2 hours - but where the hell was this freeze-happy fraud hound when i spent 2 grand ON MY LUNCH BREAK once? or for that matter, any number of the times i go depression-shopping and end up having to cool the card down in an ice-water bath because it's getting so much action? where is he then? HUH???
seriously, i am very grateful that somebody's watching out for me. it's nice to know that if some dim-witted idiot decided to steal my debit card, maybe i'd get tipped off before he realized that he ripped off somebody with no money, and blew my tens of dollars at monkey ward.
it was exhausting, and then it was over. no fraud, no identity-theft, no lifetime movie starring delta burke... thank god.


5 Responses to “former hundred-aire : the melissa mcgee story”

  1. Anonymous shellie 

    thank GOD you are a drama queen because you write the BEST stories about daily stuff ... if you had been a writer on Seinfeld, it would still be on.

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  • From Temple, Texas, United States
  • photographer. singer. soapcrafter. herbalist. dogmom. godmother. fantastic cook. i kiss better than i cook. [all photographs on this blog copyright melissa mcgee unless otherwise noted.]
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