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heaviness and light


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things are sort of heavy right now. every once in a while, everybody has a little bit of extra heaviness in their life; mine is right now. lots of things going on, and i can handle it, but it's just sort of bearing down on me as a singular weight that keeps getting heavier and heavier.
there are a few things going on in my family right now and, although i'm not going to go into detail, suffice it to say that they're extrememly heavy. everybody's fine, really. there's just this outside influence that is making everybody completely miserable. it goes so much deeper than that, but i haven't the energy to expound, nor do i want to give any credit to this pox by even mentioning it's name. what's that saying? something about naming evil and giving it strength. i won't do that. pox works for me just fine.
the job hunt has yeilded a few very exciting nibbles and some signifigant interest in my resume, which is definitely good; as i mentioned a few days ago, a little scary in a thrilling, exciting way. i'm coping with it well, though. that's stress i can definitely handle.
i realize that i just had five days off in a row last week, including the weekend, but damn it, i need a vacation. a real, honest-to-goodness vacation. i'm hoping to be able to take about two weeks off between jobs to clear my head, find myself a little bit and reeeelaaaaaaax. i don't think i know how to relax anymore; relaxation is usually me in bed, stiff as a board, all clenched up trying to force myself to go to sleep. that's not relaxed. i'm not really a drinker, or i'd have one of those old fashioned night caps to knock myself out. i have a cocktail every now and then. i'm not a big wine drinker because i get wicked sulfite headaches. beer is wonderful if i'm drinking it with friends, not dogs.
i don't sleep well. i have never slept well. my grandmother and i both routinely go through bouts of insomnia, not sleeping for days at a stretch. night after night after night, no sleep, even with the help of a sleep-aid. sleeping pills are tricky for me; you have to take them at just the right time, and you've got scarcely little room in that window. if you miss it, it's too late and you'll oversleep or feel all drugged the next day. i really don't like taking any sort of sleeping pill, over-the-counter or prescription, but when it gets desperate, i'll break down and rish oversleeping just to get some shuteye.
i'm not at that point just yet. i'm getting just enough sleep lately to be able to function pretty well. i can tell i'm tired, and i can tell i look tired, but apparently it's not completely obvious to everybody else.
on top of everything else, it was hot today. not just mildly hot. not warm. it was hot. nearly 100 degrees. am i crazy, or is this only april 17th? i mean, this is texas - but it's rarely this hot this early in the year. that tells me that summer is going to kick my ass this year. i have no pigment in my skin; if you hold me up to the light, you can see right through me. i'm the color of typing paper. and i'm a redhead. double whammy. i do not fare well in the heat. i don't burn - i just burst into flames.
i did get to see my princess grace this evening though, which perked me right up. she always perks me up. i love her so much i think my heart might just burst. she had been swimming today, and apparently she loved it! she sat on my lap and i fed her corn, which she just adored. that child i definitely a mcgee woman; she is food aggressive. if i got a little too slow with the corn, she'd start to grunt and growl at me. wow! pace yourself, gracie...this was no ordinary corn, either; this was creamed corn my mom made for dinner tonight. the creamy base was what i was feeding her. it had bits of corn in it; not the hulls, just the meaty part inside the hull. she loved it! that's gonna make one interesting diaper change later on for krissy.
she's so smart, my little gracie. she's started waving! she's also mimicking noises we make to her, and she's starting to figure out peoples faces. i sat with her on my lap tonight for a good fifteen minutes while she played with each and every facial feature i have. eyes, nose, mouth, chin... she would grab them and twist and pat and just touch. it was like she had just discovered all of the things on someone's face and wanted to learn all she could about them. she's so smart.
tonight when i was kissing her goodbye, she gave me a kiss back on my face. it's the sweetest thing i've ever seen; right on the face, between my mouth and my cheek. she made this little cooing sound when she kissed me.
then she grabbed my nose. i made a honking sound, and she laughed. so of course, i kissed her. she's the light in my heart.
ah, everythings just fine.


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  • I'm melissa mcgee
  • From Temple, Texas, United States
  • photographer. singer. soapcrafter. herbalist. dogmom. godmother. fantastic cook. i kiss better than i cook. [all photographs on this blog copyright melissa mcgee unless otherwise noted.]
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