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rollercoaster


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i've been on an emotional rollercoaster today, but hopefully things are looking up for willie.
poor little hank is still just completely inconsolable. he still walks from room to room in the house, whining, and i actually heard him bay and cry this morning before i left for work.
this morning i called the vet's office as soon as they were open and spoke to the doctor. he had grim news. willie, who had been administered an IV yesterday early in the day for fluids, and a catheter to monitor his output out fluids, wasn't doing well. the doctor's words were "he seems to have taken a turn for the worst." i don't quite remember exactly what he said after that. everything sort of stopped for a few seconds.
he went on to explain that although he still had an IV for fluids and was being administered amounts of fluids that should have rehydrated him after all of the diarrhea and vomiting, he wasn't passing any fluid through his foley bag (catheter), but was still vomiting and having diarrhea. that meant that all of the fluids being put into his body weren't being absorbed by his cellular structure, but were being removed as waste. it didn't make too much sense to me, but he's the doctor, not me. i always considered urine to be waste fluid as well, and figured that the fluid they were giving him was being absorbed which was why he wasn't urinating. not so, according to the vet. bad news.
they were going to xray him in a few minutes to see if there were any bowel obstructions in his intestines or stomach, and if there was something obstructing, say, a piece of string or a rock, or something else willie is likely to have eaten (because he'll eat anything he can catch), he would have to surgically remove it. he started talking thousands of dollars in surgical costs, as well.
he then told me that depending on how bad the situation was, i should consider the option of euthanasia to end his suffering. the thought of it sickened me, and it was all i could do to not scream at the doctor for suggesting something so vulgar and completely out of the question. he told me he would call me as soon as he knew something and wouldn't do anything at all without my permission. i told him to please just do whatever it takes to make willie get better. somehow i would find a way to pay for all of this. i have to. he's my baby.
later on that morning, at my desk at work, i started thinking about what the doctor had said about putting willie down. was it really so vulgar? perhaps the more vulgar idea was my wish to prolong willie's pain and suffering just to bring him home to me. i feel fine, i'm not sick, i'm not in a hospital with tubes feeding me. i started to feel so guilt-ridden and so selfish, and started trying to come to terms with the idea that maybe that would be what was best for my baby if all of these things weren't working. the idea of it still sickened me, but my consceince made me at least consider it as an option. i have to do what is best for willie, not for me. the the prognosis being as grave as it was, i had to try and remove myself from the injured party equation and make it about willie, not about me.
i had an interview today at 3pm for a job that i really really want; the interview was set up on friday, after willie had been taken to the vet. i had no idea how i was going to get through this interview today with this sword of damacles hanging over my head. how was i going to sound the least bit articulate? i wondered how i could come across as anything other than a completely inarticulate, bumbling idiot, not fit for this considerably large promotion.
then, at 12:15, the doctor called.
he said that willie had started eating solid food, and had kept it down. he also said that he had started to drink small amounts of water from a bowl, and his foley bag now had urine in it. they had fed him several small doses of solid food; gerber turkey babyfood and a special wet puppyfood, both very bland but highly nutritious. he was drinking small amounts of water with pedialyte in it for electrolytes. he said he had perked up a little bit as well.
there were no bowel obstructions at all; no surgery necessary. his stomach was a little bothersome; the lining of his stomach was irritated and ulcerated, and swollen to three times the thickness it should be, indicating that he had indeed ingested some sort of strong, highly poisonous toxin. the lining of his stomach was also coated with a thick layer of mucous, which acts as a natural prophylactic as a protective barrier (think sinuses) especially to irritated tissue, but his body had had to produce so much mucous that it had caused him to purge it by vomiting over and over, which caused his body to produce more mucous. it was some sort of horrible mucous-vomit cycle. but he hadn't been vomiting for a couple of hours, which was the longest he'd gone since friday when i brought him in.
that was the best news i'd had in four days. hopefully this change for the better will continue over the next couple of days, and with god's grace, willie will be strong enough to come home with me this week. the doctor said wednesday at the earliest, and if his condition continues, thursday more than likely. i'm not going to rush him. i want him to be as strong as he needs to be to come home safe and well.
that'll be a nice mother's day gift to me, i think.


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